Noisy Neighbors

So I take a call from someone whose apartment floor is on fire. He says he cannot get out and is on the balcony with three other people. I advise that the fire department is on the way and to stay on the balcony and wave down the firefighters. I then take a call from somebody in the same apartment building who happens to live directly below the apartment that is on fire. This gentleman is calling in a noise complaint. I told him that his upstairs neighbors had a fire in their apartment and that is why they were being loud. His response to this is "but they are loud all the time."

I made the command decision not to care, told the caller no officer would be responding to take his noise complaint, and advised he evacuate the building.

Drunk Logic

When leaving the bar completely hammered it makes sense to avoid hitting another car in the parking lot by driving up over the curb, through the fence, and into (and in this instance over) the group of people on the patio.

Does it make you come?

So I'm in California for the holidays and I happen to see this license plate cover (or whatever you call those things are that go around your license plate. Frame maybe?? Border? Anyway . . . ) that I thought was hysterical! The top part simply read "EMT" and then the bottom said "911 Makes Me Come."

My Ball Hurts

Unfortunately dispatchers aren't immune to sounding like idiots either. This is what a fellow dispatcher aired on the radio for emergency crews responding to a high school football game:

"Respond for a medical, a football with a head injury."

Mr. Pretty

Caller: There is a man stumbling down the side of the road and I think he is going to get hurt.
Me: Ok, can you give me a description of this man?
Caller: He is wearing a pink skirt, heels, has a mustache,beard, and a bad wig.
Me: Ok, I'm sure we can find him.

Stab and Run

If you stab someone bad enough so that her intestines are hanging out and then run away, don't call 911 a few hours later to file an assault report against the person you stabbed.

You might also be a redneck if

1) you keep a refrigerator in your driveway
2) and call 911 when it is stolen

You might be a redneck if

1) you live in a trailer
2) keep a spare bumper in your front yard
3) and call 911 when this bumper is stolen

***You might be an even bigger redneck if you are the one who stole the bumper.

A query for the FDA

I am no expert on relationships, but there is a certain element of compromise that goes into making things work for both parties involved. Apparently on this particular night, there wasn't any room for either person to budge.

When a fight ensues because one person wants to make a pizza and the other wants to smoke crack, how exactly should this situation be handled?? Does one offer to smoke crack first, then make pizza? Or maybe eat some pizza first to build up an appetite for all the crack smoking? Or maybe the best compromise would be to put the pizza in the oven and then smoke the crack while waiting for the pizza to cook? My vote goes to the later of the three options, but luckily I am neither hungry nor jonesing for some crack at this time.

What is the year again?? 1960?

Believe me, I have heard it all when it comes to slang and derogatory comments based on age, race, religion, sex, ethnicity, etc. This is always from callers though and I tend to cut them a little slack since calling 911 isn’t always the most pleasant of experiences, but sometimes the officers are worse than the callers.

I can’t recall the specific situation but basically there was an incident and one party fled on foot. The officer gets on the air to give the description of the party to other cars that are responding and this is what he says:

Officer: “The suspect is a negro male . . . . (insert height, weight, clothing description here).”

Now I know this isn’t the end of the world, maybe it just slipped out, but it was the way he said it. It came out Neeeeee-grow, with a little bit of a Southern twang at the end for good measure. While the dispatcher kindly answered the officer and gave the time over the air, I was personally mortified. I know what is considered pc is always changing and can be hard to keep up with, but the majority of the population should know that this desciptor is a tad bit outdated. All I could think of was nice job Officer Whitey McCracker – when are you heading to your next Klan meeting?

What the Fork??

Please don't judge me too harshly for making light of a very serious situation, but if you are going to commit suicide, a fork is not the best weapon of choice.

Jimmy Hoffa Lives

And it seems after being MIA for 30 years, he is making calls.

Caller: "Jimmy Hoffa left a message on my answering machine saying there is a body buried in my backyard."

Ode to the Drinkers

Without you, the people who make the roads horribly unsafe by driving after drinking too much, I would not have the joy of making fun of you right now!

While I am in no way advocating driving after drinking, here is something that is sure to get you caught.

When calling 911 it is always important to weigh information as to what will be the most useful to the dispatcher and then provide that information first. When describing a vehicle that you feel is being driven by an intoxicated person, do not give the make, model, color, license plate number, number of people inside, and direction of travel before telling the dispatcher that the car only has three tires! By the way, the driver of this vehicle blew over a .3 on his field sobriety test!

Words of Advise

If you are planning a trip to Target with the purchase of a crapload of suspicious medication in mind- you know the type: Sudafed, Claritin, etc. that are now being monitored due to use in making meth, don't drive there in your truck that also doubles as a portable meth lab. It makes defending your purchases a little more difficult.

Case In Point

A lady calls in stating alarms are going off in her house and she doesn't know why. The police respond and it turns out her alarm clock is going off in her bedroom. The officer turned it off and saved the day.

Job Security

I would just like to start with the disclaimer that I love my job! Fortunately the majority of people who actually call 911 do not have what most would consider an emergency. That said, I would like to welcome you to the world of 911.

To those of you who are already scoffing at my blatant ridicule and unwavering distain for the public's privacy in their most vulnerable moments, I apologize. Read no further if you offend easily as I promise to take you into a world of silliness, sadness, trauma, heartbreak, and human courage. Also please do not take this as verbatim fact since my memory does not deserve that much credit. This is simply a collection of calls I personally took or were entertaining enough to be passed on to me by coworkers. Enjoy!