Saturday, July 29, 2006

You Don't Live in a 50's Sitcom

I would like to thank Nick at Night for perpetuating the idea that firefighters' main capacity is to retrieve animals from trees. I'm thinking the next time I get a call from someone whose cat is in the tree, under the house, or in the attic I am going to advise looking up Leave It To Beaver in the yellow pages and see what happens (my guess is that about 10 minutes later the caller will call back stating they cannot find the number and 411 doesn't have it either).

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Ahhhh Compassion

What a comfort it is to know that in your time of need a first responder will be there quickly, ready to jump in and save your life. Well that isn't exactly the greeting one caller got.

What was heard through the still open phone line as the first officer arrived onscene of a man having a heart attack.

Officer - "Man that looks like it hurts"

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Ribbed For Your Reading Pleasure

The name of the housing development is Mulberry Commons.

How the dispatcher aired it: "Mulberry Condoms"

Saturday, July 08, 2006

You know you are a dispatcher when . . . .

I know this has gone around via email but I haven't seen it before and it made me laugh.

1] You've ever had the urge to answer the phone by saying "Your local 411"
2] You applaud the dispatcher who was on the news last year for his comment to the unruly child's mother "Do you want us to come over and shoot him?"
3] You have the bladder capacity of five people.
4] You believe that 50% of people are a waste of good air.
5] Your idea of a good time is taking a good domestic call, an armed robbery or calling a pursuit.
6] You get excited and call every other dispatcher you know when you hear the state police screw up on the radio.
7] You conduct a criminal record check on the parents of your children's friends, whom ever you're currently dating or anyone who is nice to you.
8] You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac and birth control pills.
9] You disbelieve 90% of what you hear on the other end of the phone.
10] You have your weekends off planned for a year.
11] You pray for your relief to come in five minutes early because you have to go potty soooo bad.
12] You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
13] You refer to your favorite restaurant by the "nearest cross streets" to which it's located.
14] You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: "Suicide...don't call me, just do it."
15] Your job description includes baby sitting the city (or county).
16] You ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably.
17] You have ever been unable to dispatch officers on a call because the caller's name or the call itself is so ridiculous that you can't keep from laughing.
18] You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
19] You believe an officer is a hero only when he brings you in a 44oz. cappuccino.
20] People call you all hours of the night to ask you directions to strange places...and you know where they're located.
21] You claim to be a "communications officer" because it just sounds so much more important than a "dispatcher."
22] You get on the air to tell an officer to call your cell phone so that you're not being recorded when you warn him/her about the Tom Adam Robert David (TARD) they're about to encounter.
23] You do not see daylight from November until May.
24] You've ever referred to Tuesday as "my weekend", or "this is my Friday".
25] You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, it sure is quiet tonight."
26] You find humor in other people's stupidity.
27] You have microwaved the same meal more than three times in order to eat warm food because everyone in the city seems to know when you're trying to eat.
28] The better you are at your job, the more you get complained on.
29] You want the social security number and finger prints of anyone interested in your younger sibling.
30] You have a bumper sticker that says "I love Cops" or "Dispatchers tell cops where to go."
31] Boredom at work causes you to keep a mentally handicapped person on the phone for hours just to listen to their stories.
32] You have ever given back a plate over the radio that returns to"Seymour Wehner" or "Sharon Peters" because the officers think it's funny to hear you say dirty words on the air.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Maybe Try Internet Dating

If you are so desperate for a date that you have to call the police with fake dilemmas and then answer the door naked, there is definitely a problem.