Stupid Questions Deserve Stupid Answers

There will always be a special place in my heart for people whose first language is not English.

After some interpretation my co-worker finally figured out that the caller she had on the phone needed an ambulance because his sister-in-law was in labor.

Caller: “her water broke”
Dispatcher: “how is she doing?”
Caller: “she all wet”

A Little Redundant

My wonderful call-airing ability displayed last night, over the radio, for all to hear:

"3 juveniles egging houses, 3 boys, all male ."

Rough Night

When your Norwegian spoons are stolen by “some white girl” and then later an Asian gang invades your house, maybe you should consider moving. Or may I suggest a psych evaluation!

Uncommon Abbreviation

I've become fairly versed in abbreviations over the years but recently one was brought to my attention that blew me away.

A guy calls in complaining about his "bm." Now I'm thinking, bm, bm, what could that be? Bowel movement - wouldn't be the strangest thing I ever heard. Possibly best man - maybe he's getting married. Buttmunch - maybe he's a Beavis and Butthead fan. But no, I could not have imagined his explanation - bm=baby's mama.

Not only should this phrase NEVER be used, but abbreviated, that is taking ghetto slang a little too far.

On the 2nd Day of Christmas

"On the first day of Christmas a stranger mailed to a lady whose call I had the good fortune of answering, a huge box of lesbian porn. On the second day of Christmas a stranger mailed to this same lady, six more girl on girl DVD's and a huge box of lesbian porn."

Love Hurts

Especially if you choose to prove your love by cutting your arms and writing "I love you" on the counter in blood.

The 3 Stooges

Larry gets pulled over for drunk driving. His car is impounded and Larry is taken to the police station. When all the paperwork is done Larry calls Moe to come pick him up. Moe shows up at the police station to pick up Larry but unfortunately Moe is also drunk, therefore instead of picking up his friend, he too is arrested for drunk driving. Once the paperwork for Moe is done, he calls Curly to come pick both him and Larry up. Curly shows up, but he is also drunk so the officer makes another arrest and begins the paperwork all over again.

It isn’t often that an officer can arrest 2 drunk drivers without even leaving the station!

Not Good

**This post is rated R - not for those easily grossed out

A man attempts to commit suicide by slitting his throat. He does not succeed in hitting main veins and merely cuts his skin and windpipe. This man then calls 911 for help and the calltaker is left to try and understand him while he is bleeding and gurgling while talking through a severed windpipe.

I am thankful daily that I was not the person who talked to this caller.

The Beauty of the English Language

"Yo ho-ho call the po-po"

-Caller describing what the girls harassing her were yelling

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

In the words of Neil Sedaka, "breaking up is hard to do." Unfortunately I think recovering from severe burns is even harder.

When pouring gas all over your ex's lawn, please remember to step off of the lawn and place the gas can far away before lighting the match and throwing it on the gas-saturated grass. Or, if you are like the caller we had, light the match and throw it on the lawn while still standing on said lawn holding said gas can.

Unfortunate Entrepreneur

Selling counterfeit gift cards in the parking lot of Home Depot when you have 3 felony warrants out against you isn’t the smartest decision.

Smooth Criminal

A guy breaks into a house in the middle of the afternoon. A neighbor sees this and calls 911. The police arrive and surround the house. Knowing he is surrounded, the male inside picks up his cellphone, calls 911, attempts to disguise his voice to sound feminine, and reports a burglary at a house down the street!

Animal Control

When calling in a concern about an animal in your area, it helps to know what the animal is. Oh, and PLEASE do not make up an animal in an attempt to get someone there more quickly. Example:

Caller: There is an animal outside like nothing I've ever seen before. I think it is an African Cat-Dog. Or maybe it's a fox.

X-Files

Maybe I'm a skeptic, but I'm inclined not to believe callers when they report UFO sightings.

What I am inclined to do is get overly excited and tell the caller to grab tin foil and make a helmet, hide behind the furnace, and wait for Mulder and Scully to show up.

Bad Samaritan

Please don't volunteer to be a Salvation Army bell ringer if you are incapable of staying sober, and ultimately conscious, for the few hours you are assigned to stand outside the drug-store. When you are found passed out in a lawn chair next to the big, red bucket, the cops are not going to feel sorry for you, even if you were volunteering.