911 Police & Fire

Vertically Challenged

2008-04-07T00:20:00.003-05:00

A woman called because her smoke alarm was beeping. When asked what assistance she needed, she stated she wanted someone to come out and take care of it. Why you might ask? Well her explanation was, "I am Asian; I cannot reach it."

Mooooooove Over

2007-12-17T11:42:00.002-06:00

I have heard a lot of strange things, but a coworker relayed this story to me and it was too amusing not to pass along. Imagine being a 911 calltaker and receiving multiple calls about cows in the road. This is not all that strange of an occurrence in rural America, but along a stretch of busy highway, it is very concerning. Officers arrive to find single cows spaced out somewhat evenly along the highway. It is not until one caller relays that there is a truck in front of her pulling a cattle trailer with the rear gate open does it all start to make sense. The poor cows were bouncing out one by one as the driver continued down the highway, not even realizing his load was getting lighter and lighter.

Midnight on Ice

2007-08-28T22:24:00.000-05:00

In a lot of places the police department also serves as animal control. Logical reasons to ask for assistance would be dangerous, injured, lost, found, and in some cases dead animals. What is not included in their call of duty is picking up your indoor, pet cat who died of natural causes, even if his name is Midnight and you currently have him on ice.

Happy 4th!

2007-07-04T14:25:00.000-05:00

I would like to pay tribute to all those who feel the need to call 911 on the 4th of July. Thank you for clogging up the phone lines and annoying those who you are going to want on your side in a real emergency.

Something to consider - While the loud noises you hear could be gunshots, lets play the odds people. Maybe a week or so before the 4th, buy some fireworks at one of those stands and let them off. Then watch a lot of violent movies on TV that have a lot of gunfire. Compare the noises and then use this knowledge to decide whether the loud bangs you hear are in fact gunshots, or merely celebratory fireworks set off by neighborhood kids.

Thanks in advance!

So Sue Me

2007-06-03T08:17:00.001-05:00

I'm sorry if when told that there really isn't a fire, it was just a salamander, I immediately think of the GEICO insurance commercials. How was I supposed to know that a salamander isn't merely a small amphibian, but also a portable heater used at construction sites!

Flying Kitten

2007-04-17T12:40:00.000-05:00

I had a woman call because her kitten was on the roof of her apartment complex and she wanted the fire department to come help her get it down. Usually we tell people that if animals get up somewhere on their own, in most cases they will come down on their own as well. Her response to this was,

"He didn't get up there on his own, my friend threw him up there."

My suggestion (in my head) - get some new friends

Spring Forward

2007-03-17T15:15:00.000-05:00

From my friend who is still a dispatcher:

"I had some old lady call 911 to ask how to set her clock tonight."

**on the night before Daylight Savings

Too Much TV

2007-03-09T07:56:00.000-06:00

I take a call from a little girl who says her brother is hitting her. My first thought is a family domestic situation. I ask how old she is and she answers 4. The next logical question was to ask how old her brother is. When she answered 2, I knew something wasn't quite right here. She then hands the phone to her dad and says: "Dad, talk to the nanny." After telling the father I was a 911 dispatcher, he quickly realized what had happened. Apparently the family was watching Nanny 911 on television and the precocious 4 year old decided she needed that nanny to come and take care of her little brother :)

Talk About A Bad Accident

2007-02-24T22:12:00.000-06:00

Dispatcher: "Please respond for children throwing snowmobiles at cars."

I Guess Pets Really Are Like Children

2007-01-22T22:59:00.000-06:00

This wasn't from my call center, but it was too good to pass up:

Police are called to a domestic dispute. A man and his live-in ex-wife are fighting because the man is drinking in front of their bird. The ex-wife is upset because drinking in front of the bird upsets the dog.

There literally are no words.

I Blame Viagra

2006-12-28T20:33:00.000-06:00

A rape accusation is never good, but when it occurs at at a senior center and the suspect is in his 70's - yikes!

Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow

2006-12-01T21:40:00.000-06:00

In honor of the snow that the Midwest has been experiencing, a winter favorite.

Caller: The roads are all white.
Me: Yes, it is snowing outside.
Caller: But I can't see the lines.
Me: Yes, that is because it is snowing outside.
Caller: Well what are you going to do about it?
Me: Well at this point, nothing can be done. I would advise not driving if you cannot see the lines and are concerned about the snow on the road.

If I recall correctly, this caller hung up on me.

She might be cheating if . . . .

2006-11-10T22:32:00.000-06:00

Your girlfriend has a male roommate. You call her and she says she is staying in for the night. She doesn’t hang the phone up all the way and you can hear her and her roommate messing around and essentially having sex. When you confront your girlfriend about it over the phone the next day she denies it. You immediately assume her roommate drugged and raped her. She doesn’t want to report anything so you take it upon yourself to call 911 and report that your girlfriend was raped by her roommate.

Achy Breaky Heart

2006-10-21T17:23:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry that you say Billy Ray Cyrus is your estranged lover and seeing him on television is upsetting, but I do not believe that is a police matter.

The Wonders of Caller ID

2006-10-04T09:25:00.000-05:00

If you call 911, yell at the dispatcher, then hang up, when the dispatcher calls back do not answer the phone, "who the hell is calling me at this time of night?"

The Next Star Wars Movie

2006-09-12T18:34:00.000-05:00

ATTACK OF THE JUNEBUGS - coming to suburbia soon.

Opening Scene:

Woman: There is someone tapping on my back window
911: Have you looked outside to see if anyone or anything is out there?
Woman: No, I am too scared. There is goes again. I can hear it! (quivering voice, heavy breathing)
911: Try to stay calm. The police are on the way.
Woman: Are they close? I'm so scared. Someone is trying to break in!
911: The police are there. They are walking around the outside of your house. Do not be alarmed if you see flashlights. They will let me know when it is ok for you to come to the door.
Woman: I still hear the tapping.

(dramatic deep voice begins to speak: "tap tap tap, tap tap tap, what could it be? A burglar, a rapist, a serial killer . . . . . . . . . . . no, just a bunch of junebugs bouncing on the window screen")

Move to the City

2006-09-03T00:09:00.000-05:00

If you honestly believe that the police can do anything about the volume of the frogs croaking in the swampy area near your house, I can't help you. Please do not call 911 again regarding this issue or I might drive out there and kick you for being so darn stupid!

No Showers at the Firehouse?

2006-08-23T17:26:00.000-05:00

A fellow dispatcher paged out the "fire dirty crew" instead of duty crew. That went over REALLY well!

Constant Need for Validation

2006-08-12T22:27:00.000-05:00

I would just like to make it clear to anyone who may call 911 in the future for some sort of noise disturbance, please do not tell the dispatcher to "listen" and then immediately take the phone away from your ear and point it in the direction of the noise before the dispatcher can protest. The likelihood that the dispatcher will be able to hear the noise is slim and even if the noise can be heard by the dispatcher, this validation that a noise was actually heard will not get the cops there any faster.

What Goes Up, Must Come Down

2006-08-06T23:09:00.000-05:00

If you ever lock yourself out of the house, please use your cellphone to call a locksmith, friend, relative, neighbor, 411, and as a last resort, possibly the police. Do not climb up onto your roof, attempt to get in the house from up there, fail, and then call 911 because you are now stuck on the roof and want the police/fire department to come and get you down. Think about all the extra work you created and time you wasted because once you are down, you will still be locked out of the house!

You Don't Live in a 50's Sitcom

2006-07-29T09:30:00.000-05:00

I would like to thank Nick at Night for perpetuating the idea that firefighters' main capacity is to retrieve animals from trees. I'm thinking the next time I get a call from someone whose cat is in the tree, under the house, or in the attic I am going to advise looking up Leave It To Beaver in the yellow pages and see what happens (my guess is that about 10 minutes later the caller will call back stating they cannot find the number and 411 doesn't have it either).

Ahhhh Compassion

2006-07-25T19:07:00.000-05:00

What a comfort it is to know that in your time of need a first responder will be there quickly, ready to jump in and save your life. Well that isn't exactly the greeting one caller got.

What was heard through the still open phone line as the first officer arrived onscene of a man having a heart attack.

Officer - "Man that looks like it hurts"

Ribbed For Your Reading Pleasure

2006-07-16T22:10:00.000-05:00

The name of the housing development is Mulberry Commons.

How the dispatcher aired it: "Mulberry Condoms"

You know you are a dispatcher when . . . .

2006-07-08T20:43:00.000-05:00

I know this has gone around via email but I haven't seen it before and it made me laugh.

1] You've ever had the urge to answer the phone by saying "Your local 411"
2] You applaud the dispatcher who was on the news last year for his comment to the unruly child's mother "Do you want us to come over and shoot him?"
3] You have the bladder capacity of five people.
4] You believe that 50% of people are a waste of good air.
5] Your idea of a good time is taking a good domestic call, an armed robbery or calling a pursuit.
6] You get excited and call every other dispatcher you know when you hear the state police screw up on the radio.
7] You conduct a criminal record check on the parents of your children's friends, whom ever you're currently dating or anyone who is nice to you.
8] You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac and birth control pills.
9] You disbelieve 90% of what you hear on the other end of the phone.
10] You have your weekends off planned for a year.
11] You pray for your relief to come in five minutes early because you have to go potty soooo bad.
12] You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
13] You refer to your favorite restaurant by the "nearest cross streets" to which it's located.
14] You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: "Suicide...don't call me, just do it."
15] Your job description includes baby sitting the city (or county).
16] You ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably.
17] You have ever been unable to dispatch officers on a call because the caller's name or the call itself is so ridiculous that you can't keep from laughing.
18] You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
19] You believe an officer is a hero only when he brings you in a 44oz. cappuccino.
20] People call you all hours of the night to ask you directions to strange places...and you know where they're located.
21] You claim to be a "communications officer" because it just sounds so much more important than a "dispatcher."
22] You get on the air to tell an officer to call your cell phone so that you're not being recorded when you warn him/her about the Tom Adam Robert David (TARD) they're about to encounter.
23] You do not see daylight from November until May.
24] You've ever referred to Tuesday as "my weekend", or "this is my Friday".
25] You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, it sure is quiet tonight."
26] You find humor in other people's stupidity.
27] You have microwaved the same meal more than three times in order to eat warm food because everyone in the city seems to know when you're trying to eat.
28] The better you are at your job, the more you get complained on.
29] You want the social security number and finger prints of anyone interested in your younger sibling.
30] You have a bumper sticker that says "I love Cops" or "Dispatchers tell cops where to go."
31] Boredom at work causes you to keep a mentally handicapped person on the phone for hours just to listen to their stories.
32] You have ever given back a plate over the radio that returns to"Seymour Wehner" or "Sharon Peters" because the officers think it's funny to hear you say dirty words on the air.

Maybe Try Internet Dating

2006-07-01T19:23:00.000-05:00

If you are so desperate for a date that you have to call the police with fake dilemmas and then answer the door naked, there is definitely a problem.

The Motto "Protect and Serve" should not be taken this literally

2006-06-19T22:19:00.000-05:00

A woman is waiting at the police station to talk to an officer. The officer is out at a call and is enroute back to the station. The woman calls dispatch and wants us to ask the officer if he can stop and get her something to eat on the way and a mountain dew because she has had a stressful day.

Alternate Pronunciation

2006-06-06T02:30:00.000-05:00

Fireman: "Captain five in service"

Dispatcher: "Crapton five, correction crapton five, correction crapton, . . . . . . . in service at 2:38"

Sounds Uncomfortable

2006-06-03T08:00:00.000-05:00

Caller: "there is a man running down the street wearing only running shoes and a smile."

Hang In There

2006-05-30T17:59:00.000-05:00

I am no expert when it comes to relationships, but I'm pretty sure that hanging yourself from a tree in your ex-boyfriend's front lawn is not the best way to show him you are the best possible woman for him and he should take you back immediately.

Do Your Research

2006-05-25T07:57:00.000-05:00

When deciding to become a car-jacker, may I recommend taking the time to familiarize yourself with different types of vehicles and where/how the components of these vehicles work.

Example: Car-jacking goes awry when the car-jacker forces the driver out at gunpoint only to realize that the vehicle is a stick shift. Not wanting to give up, he attempts to drive the vehicle but fails miserably and flees on foot.

Synonyms

2006-05-21T22:48:00.000-05:00

When it comes to medical terminology sometimes as dispatchers we just have to wing it. While I am familiar with multiple medical issues, when someone calls in with something complicated, basically I summarize, abbreviate, or work it out phonetically. Well a coworker of mine took this liberty quite generously. A woman called in complaining of severe diarrhea. My coworker, not knowing how to spell this correctly, decided to write this in the call:

"Has the trots real bad"

Cut The Cord

2006-05-17T08:08:00.000-05:00

A grown man calls complaining that his mother is kicking him out of the house. She threw his crockpot at him and is threatening to sell his "TV and stuff."

And The Answer Is . . . . .

2006-05-13T21:51:00.000-05:00

A port-a-potty :) I guess that is what they are called in this neck of the woods. I would hate to be looking in the yellow pages for dish network and end up with a toilet mounted on my roof!

Do You Know What This Means??

2006-05-12T10:30:00.000-05:00

I take a call from a man stating he is an off-duty firefighter and the satellite in the park across the street is on fire. Not wanting to sound like an idiot, I took the info and hung up having no idea what he meant by satellite. My first thought was a large satellite dish - I was wrong.

Can anyone guess what was on fire?

Always Be Prepared

2006-05-02T18:51:00.000-05:00

A man uses a ladder to climb up to a 3rd floor balcony of an apartment building and proceeds to break in. The resident, hearing this calls 911 and grabs his gun. While on the phone with my partner the resident confronts the robber, gun in hand. In the background the robber can be heard yelling “don’t shoot, don’t shoot” then jumps off the balcony.

One Too Many

2006-04-30T15:51:00.000-05:00

Caller: "My girlfriend had too much to drink and now she doesn't want to breath."

Post-Death Call For Help

2006-04-26T07:38:00.000-05:00

Caller: "I think I'm dead"

I'm not a doctor but I'm pretty sure the ability to speak is a fairly clear indication of life.

Einstein's Brother

2006-04-20T21:48:00.000-05:00

So when you are acting so terrible that the cops call you a cab to send you home, is stiffing the cabbie the best idea?? The cops called the cab, they know where you live!

I Didn't Even Know What To Say

2006-04-12T08:11:00.000-05:00

Caller: "Someone broke into my house and wrote all over the walls and me"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller: "Someone is messing with me again. They stole my storm window and hit my dog on the head"

Your Guess Is As Good As Mine

2006-04-08T21:32:00.000-05:00

My partner tonight to a lady on the phone:

"Ma'am, what language are you speaking?"

Beater

2006-04-07T00:50:00.000-05:00

A call came in regarding a man who was sitting in his car in a store parking lot, wearing only pantyhose, and masturbating.

My coworker runs his plate and it comes back to what most would consider an older, crappy car. Her response to this info: "gives beater a whole new meaning, huh?"

I laughed so hard I almost fell over!

A Neighborhood Plagued By Rogue Postmen

2006-04-02T19:51:00.000-05:00

Someone called in to report that someone was going down the street and taking mail from mailboxes, but only the ones with the flag up.

Hmmmm . . . . . wonder who would take mail from mailboxes with the flag up? Must have been Santa!

Coffee Works For Some People, Others Require Something A Little Stronger

2006-03-29T22:17:00.000-06:00

On domestic situation calls there are some standard questions that are always asked. One is has anyone been drinking.

At 6am a guy calls in a domestic and when asked if anyone has been drinking he responds, “well I just cracked open a beer – I did just wake up.”

Death By Oscillation

2006-03-27T07:36:00.000-06:00

Caller: "My husband is trying to kill me"

Dispatcher: "Does he have any weapons?"

Caller: "He has a fan"

Cab-tive vs. Captive

2006-03-23T12:51:00.000-06:00

One too many = calling 911 and saying you are being held captive in a red SUV when really you are so drunk that your friends sent you home in a cab and somehow you confused the cab driver with a kidnapper.

Awesome!

There Are Worse Smells

2006-03-17T12:57:00.000-06:00

A lady calls because there is a strong smell of cough syrup in her house that comes and goes every couple of minutes.

When officers get there the lady goes on to explain that she believes her neighbors are running a meth lab out of their house.

I wonder if this caller was benefiting from the neighbor's product?

Move Closer to the Equator to Avoid This Problem

2006-03-13T19:21:00.000-06:00

In the midst of a snowstorm a man calls to say that the roads are all white and it is hard to see the lines.

Bad Kitty

2006-03-09T02:13:00.000-06:00

A female calls and says she was shot in her sleep. When the police get there they cancel the ambulance. Why you may ask? Well it seems she was not shot, but instead scratched by her cat.

If this lady ever is really shot, she is in for a rude awakening in the pain department.

Common Courtesy

2006-03-06T07:37:00.000-06:00

Unless you are involved in a situation so horrific it causes you to lose complete bladder control, I do not find it acceptable to call 911 while you are urinating.

***caller was reporting something setting off his motion light

Son Of The Year

2006-03-02T21:32:00.000-06:00

A guy calls from California. He says he hired a private investigator to find his dad who he hasn’t talked to in almost 30 years. The PI found an address for the dad and the son would like the police to go over there and ask dad to call him because writing a letter will take him too long.

I Doubt Dr. Spock Would Recommend This As A Parenting Tool

2006-02-26T22:15:00.000-06:00

Mom comes to house of her ex to take the family dog. Daughter tries to stop her. Mom runs daughter over with car.

New Approach To Car-Jacking

2006-02-23T19:28:00.000-06:00

Caller: "A guy bit me and then stole my car"

Maybe Some Extra-Strength Tide Would Work

2006-02-20T23:37:00.000-06:00

We had a female call in regarding a radioactive clothes-pile in her room.

**** How long does laundry have to pile up before it becomes radioactive? I've let mine pile up for a while and never before has it required disposal in a container marked with skull and crossbones.

Let's Hope The Cops Like Stephen King

2006-02-17T17:24:00.000-06:00

Interesting Description:

"He has that look on his face like from the movie The Shining"

Slip Of The Tongue

2006-02-14T21:59:00.000-06:00

Another wonderful call airing snafu that one of my coworkers fell victim to:

"A medical - a party who has fallen off his dick"

Time Is Of The Essence

2006-02-11T07:33:00.000-06:00

Some people wait a day or two to report things, others take the lengthy approach of a week, but this caller took the cake by waiting 27 years.

She decides to call and report that she suspects her boss from 27 years ago was keeping bodies in his freezer at the time.

Bart Simpson Moment

2006-02-08T13:20:00.000-06:00

We have received calls from a party whose name, according to the 911 screen info, is Seymour Butts.

May I Suggest A Divorce?

2006-02-05T22:15:00.000-06:00

When the assailants in a situation are "my husband and his girlfriend" and a domestic situation is occurring between "my wife and her boyfriend" I have to wonder what is holding these relationships together.

Some People Make Bad Decisions

2006-02-03T08:39:00.000-06:00

While at a bar a young lady meets a man. They talk, laugh, flirt, and when bar time rolls around said man offiers to go get said lady's car, pull it around to the front door, and warm it up while she settles her tab. Lady hands over the keys while the bartender totals her tab. Her tab is quite expensive and the bartender explains that the man she was with was charging all of his drinks plus drinks he was buying for other ladies to her card. Lady goes outside to approach man and man takes off in her car.

Legally, because lady willingly gave her keys to man, this is not considered a stolen vehicle. It is a civil matter. Lady then continues to call 911 into the wee hours of the morning wanting to know why the police have not dropped everything to be out driving around looking for her car.

Car DNA

2006-01-30T00:24:00.000-06:00

If you want to hit another car in a parking lot and take off, that is your prerogative. My only suggestion would be to make sure you do not leave behind evidence that could link you to the crime. In this instance the driver left a bumper, complete with license plate. I'm thinking the investigators won't be losing any sleep over this case.

Band-Aids Fix Everything

2006-01-26T08:15:00.000-06:00

Short version - Man gets shot

Long version - 30 year old son comes home to find dad super drunk. This pisses son off so son shoots dad. Son then leaves and calls 911 from his friend's house. Police and paramedics show up to assist dad. Dad, being a logical drunk, has put a band-aid over the bullet wound and refuses medical attention because he has already taken care of his injury.

We're Not Supposed To Hurt People

2006-01-22T03:54:00.000-06:00

My coworker answering the phone tonight:

"Police and fire, how may I hurt you?"

Finders Keepers

2006-01-20T08:01:00.000-06:00

If you have the bad habit of losing your keys, placing one of those "please return to: name, address, phone number" cards on your keychain may work in Pleasantville. In reality this is a surefire way for the finder to get into your house and become the keeper of all your nice things.

Sometimes The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

2006-01-17T08:20:00.000-06:00

2 kids get pulled over and subsequently arrested - the driver for dui and the passenger for possession. After being processed and ticketed at the police station the passenger is free to go home. Mom is called, but when she arrives she blows a .25, is arrested, and her car is impounded. Dad goes to to pick up the car the next morning at the impound lot and blows a .15.

Why Wait Until The Forth Bottle??

2006-01-15T02:22:00.000-06:00

If you work at a grocery store and decide to call about a lady who is wandering the store eating bottles of baby powder, when is a good time to call in? Well for this employee it seems witnessing this woman eat the first, second, and third bottle was not of concern but as soon as she started on that forth one, it was time to call the authorities!

Last Time I Checked This Wasn't Nevada

2006-01-12T07:53:00.000-06:00

And therefore prostitution is not legal. So why do you think officers are going to be sympathetic to the fact that the woman you paid $25 to "service" you took off with $500 and two computers?

Answer Me This

2006-01-09T04:07:00.000-06:00

In what universe is it an emergency that your recycling wasn't picked up?

Duh

2006-01-06T03:58:00.000-06:00

A lady calls to make a harassment complaint and then calls back a short time later because there is someone knocking on her door. Duh - it is the officer you idiot!

It is times like these that I am tempted to wrap my headset cord around my neck and pull.

Let Me Consult My Crystal Ball

2006-01-04T15:54:00.000-06:00

I spent a good deal of time the other night trying to explain to a caller that the police had no way of just “finding her car.” She explained to me that she let someone use her car and they hadn’t returned it yet. The caller kept saying that she just wanted the police to “find her car.” She was convinced the police had some magical way of locating it and didn’t believe me when I tried to explain that if she didn’t know where her car was and there wasn’t an address or area she wanted the police to check, the police had no way of knowing either. Poor girl just didn’t get it!

The Great Tampon Caper

2006-01-02T14:28:00.000-06:00

A female clerk from a gas station calls in a theft. She explains that another female, who she knows, came into the station and asked her if she had any tampons. The clerk said no, so the female concealed a box under her coat, headed to the bathroom, and after she left the clerk found the empty box in the stall and called the police.

When the officer arrives at the gas station he asks the clerk how much the stolen tampons cost, hands the clerk $3, and tells her "tell that girl she owes me $3," and leaves without any further action.

I'm thinking the officer didn't want to have to deal with trying to recover the stolen goods :)

Stupid Questions Deserve Stupid Answers

2005-12-30T23:51:00.000-06:00

There will always be a special place in my heart for people whose first language is not English.

After some interpretation my co-worker finally figured out that the caller she had on the phone needed an ambulance because his sister-in-law was in labor.

Caller: “her water broke”
Dispatcher: “how is she doing?”
Caller: “she all wet”

A Little Redundant

2005-12-29T13:31:00.000-06:00

My wonderful call-airing ability displayed last night, over the radio, for all to hear:

"3 juveniles egging houses, 3 boys, all male ."

Rough Night

2005-12-27T22:40:00.000-06:00

When your Norwegian spoons are stolen by “some white girl” and then later an Asian gang invades your house, maybe you should consider moving. Or may I suggest a psych evaluation!

Uncommon Abbreviation

2005-12-26T13:48:00.000-06:00

I've become fairly versed in abbreviations over the years but recently one was brought to my attention that blew me away.

A guy calls in complaining about his "bm." Now I'm thinking, bm, bm, what could that be? Bowel movement - wouldn't be the strangest thing I ever heard. Possibly best man - maybe he's getting married. Buttmunch - maybe he's a Beavis and Butthead fan. But no, I could not have imagined his explanation - bm=baby's mama.

Not only should this phrase NEVER be used, but abbreviated, that is taking ghetto slang a little too far.

On the 2nd Day of Christmas

2005-12-20T23:30:00.000-06:00

"On the first day of Christmas a stranger mailed to a lady whose call I had the good fortune of answering, a huge box of lesbian porn. On the second day of Christmas a stranger mailed to this same lady, six more girl on girl DVD's and a huge box of lesbian porn."

Love Hurts

2005-12-19T03:51:00.000-06:00

Especially if you choose to prove your love by cutting your arms and writing "I love you" on the counter in blood.

The 3 Stooges

2005-12-15T06:11:00.000-06:00

Larry gets pulled over for drunk driving. His car is impounded and Larry is taken to the police station. When all the paperwork is done Larry calls Moe to come pick him up. Moe shows up at the police station to pick up Larry but unfortunately Moe is also drunk, therefore instead of picking up his friend, he too is arrested for drunk driving. Once the paperwork for Moe is done, he calls Curly to come pick both him and Larry up. Curly shows up, but he is also drunk so the officer makes another arrest and begins the paperwork all over again.

It isn’t often that an officer can arrest 2 drunk drivers without even leaving the station!

Not Good

2005-12-14T04:05:00.000-06:00

**This post is rated R - not for those easily grossed out

A man attempts to commit suicide by slitting his throat. He does not succeed in hitting main veins and merely cuts his skin and windpipe. This man then calls 911 for help and the calltaker is left to try and understand him while he is bleeding and gurgling while talking through a severed windpipe.

I am thankful daily that I was not the person who talked to this caller.

The Beauty of the English Language

2005-12-13T03:39:00.000-06:00

"Yo ho-ho call the po-po"

-Caller describing what the girls harassing her were yelling

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

2005-12-10T23:07:00.000-06:00

In the words of Neil Sedaka, "breaking up is hard to do." Unfortunately I think recovering from severe burns is even harder.

When pouring gas all over your ex's lawn, please remember to step off of the lawn and place the gas can far away before lighting the match and throwing it on the gas-saturated grass. Or, if you are like the caller we had, light the match and throw it on the lawn while still standing on said lawn holding said gas can.

Unfortunate Entrepreneur

2005-12-08T22:53:00.000-06:00

Selling counterfeit gift cards in the parking lot of Home Depot when you have 3 felony warrants out against you isn’t the smartest decision.

Smooth Criminal

2005-12-07T03:48:00.000-06:00

A guy breaks into a house in the middle of the afternoon. A neighbor sees this and calls 911. The police arrive and surround the house. Knowing he is surrounded, the male inside picks up his cellphone, calls 911, attempts to disguise his voice to sound feminine, and reports a burglary at a house down the street!

Animal Control

2005-12-06T04:59:00.000-06:00

When calling in a concern about an animal in your area, it helps to know what the animal is. Oh, and PLEASE do not make up an animal in an attempt to get someone there more quickly. Example:

Caller: There is an animal outside like nothing I've ever seen before. I think it is an African Cat-Dog. Or maybe it's a fox.

X-Files

2005-12-05T04:27:00.000-06:00

Maybe I'm a skeptic, but I'm inclined not to believe callers when they report UFO sightings.

What I am inclined to do is get overly excited and tell the caller to grab tin foil and make a helmet, hide behind the furnace, and wait for Mulder and Scully to show up.

Bad Samaritan

2005-12-02T21:36:00.000-06:00

Please don't volunteer to be a Salvation Army bell ringer if you are incapable of staying sober, and ultimately conscious, for the few hours you are assigned to stand outside the drug-store. When you are found passed out in a lawn chair next to the big, red bucket, the cops are not going to feel sorry for you, even if you were volunteering.

Noisy Neighbors

2005-11-30T03:37:00.000-06:00

So I take a call from someone whose apartment floor is on fire. He says he cannot get out and is on the balcony with three other people. I advise that the fire department is on the way and to stay on the balcony and wave down the firefighters. I then take a call from somebody in the same apartment building who happens to live directly below the apartment that is on fire. This gentleman is calling in a noise complaint. I told him that his upstairs neighbors had a fire in their apartment and that is why they were being loud. His response to this is "but they are loud all the time."

I made the command decision not to care, told the caller no officer would be responding to take his noise complaint, and advised he evacuate the building.

Drunk Logic

2005-11-28T04:55:00.000-06:00

When leaving the bar completely hammered it makes sense to avoid hitting another car in the parking lot by driving up over the curb, through the fence, and into (and in this instance over) the group of people on the patio.

Does it make you come?

2005-11-24T04:00:00.000-06:00

So I'm in California for the holidays and I happen to see this license plate cover (or whatever you call those things are that go around your license plate. Frame maybe?? Border? Anyway . . . ) that I thought was hysterical! The top part simply read "EMT" and then the bottom said "911 Makes Me Come."

My Ball Hurts

2005-11-20T14:53:00.000-06:00

Unfortunately dispatchers aren't immune to sounding like idiots either. This is what a fellow dispatcher aired on the radio for emergency crews responding to a high school football game:

"Respond for a medical, a football with a head injury."

Mr. Pretty

2005-11-19T04:19:00.000-06:00

Caller: There is a man stumbling down the side of the road and I think he is going to get hurt.
Me: Ok, can you give me a description of this man?
Caller: He is wearing a pink skirt, heels, has a mustache,beard, and a bad wig.
Me: Ok, I'm sure we can find him.

Stab and Run

2005-11-17T16:13:00.000-06:00

If you stab someone bad enough so that her intestines are hanging out and then run away, don't call 911 a few hours later to file an assault report against the person you stabbed.

You might also be a redneck if

2005-11-15T23:08:00.000-06:00

1) you keep a refrigerator in your driveway
2) and call 911 when it is stolen

You might be a redneck if

2005-11-15T03:54:00.000-06:00

1) you live in a trailer
2) keep a spare bumper in your front yard
3) and call 911 when this bumper is stolen

***You might be an even bigger redneck if you are the one who stole the bumper.

A query for the FDA

2005-11-14T03:31:00.000-06:00

I am no expert on relationships, but there is a certain element of compromise that goes into making things work for both parties involved. Apparently on this particular night, there wasn't any room for either person to budge.

When a fight ensues because one person wants to make a pizza and the other wants to smoke crack, how exactly should this situation be handled?? Does one offer to smoke crack first, then make pizza? Or maybe eat some pizza first to build up an appetite for all the crack smoking? Or maybe the best compromise would be to put the pizza in the oven and then smoke the crack while waiting for the pizza to cook? My vote goes to the later of the three options, but luckily I am neither hungry nor jonesing for some crack at this time.

What is the year again?? 1960?

2005-11-12T10:32:00.000-06:00

Believe me, I have heard it all when it comes to slang and derogatory comments based on age, race, religion, sex, ethnicity, etc. This is always from callers though and I tend to cut them a little slack since calling 911 isn’t always the most pleasant of experiences, but sometimes the officers are worse than the callers.

I can’t recall the specific situation but basically there was an incident and one party fled on foot. The officer gets on the air to give the description of the party to other cars that are responding and this is what he says:

Officer: “The suspect is a negro male . . . . (insert height, weight, clothing description here).”

Now I know this isn’t the end of the world, maybe it just slipped out, but it was the way he said it. It came out Neeeeee-grow, with a little bit of a Southern twang at the end for good measure. While the dispatcher kindly answered the officer and gave the time over the air, I was personally mortified. I know what is considered pc is always changing and can be hard to keep up with, but the majority of the population should know that this desciptor is a tad bit outdated. All I could think of was nice job Officer Whitey McCracker – when are you heading to your next Klan meeting?

What the Fork??

2005-11-11T02:20:00.000-06:00

Please don't judge me too harshly for making light of a very serious situation, but if you are going to commit suicide, a fork is not the best weapon of choice.

Jimmy Hoffa Lives

2005-11-10T15:04:00.000-06:00

And it seems after being MIA for 30 years, he is making calls.

Caller: "Jimmy Hoffa left a message on my answering machine saying there is a body buried in my backyard."

Ode to the Drinkers

2005-11-09T14:53:00.000-06:00

Without you, the people who make the roads horribly unsafe by driving after drinking too much, I would not have the joy of making fun of you right now!

While I am in no way advocating driving after drinking, here is something that is sure to get you caught.

When calling 911 it is always important to weigh information as to what will be the most useful to the dispatcher and then provide that information first. When describing a vehicle that you feel is being driven by an intoxicated person, do not give the make, model, color, license plate number, number of people inside, and direction of travel before telling the dispatcher that the car only has three tires! By the way, the driver of this vehicle blew over a .3 on his field sobriety test!

Words of Advise

2005-11-08T23:19:00.000-06:00

If you are planning a trip to Target with the purchase of a crapload of suspicious medication in mind- you know the type: Sudafed, Claritin, etc. that are now being monitored due to use in making meth, don't drive there in your truck that also doubles as a portable meth lab. It makes defending your purchases a little more difficult.

Case In Point

2005-11-08T20:11:00.000-06:00

A lady calls in stating alarms are going off in her house and she doesn't know why. The police respond and it turns out her alarm clock is going off in her bedroom. The officer turned it off and saved the day.